How I hate you subway pole leaner. You know who you are, don’t feign ignorance. You think you’re the best thing to have happened to civilization since the discovery of fire. You carry yourself through life with an overzealous swagger. You know who you are.
You’re sneaky too. There is no clear demographic that you hide in. You can be of any race, any creed. Men, women, well-adjusted transsexual, it doesn’t matter. You are impossible to profile. You attack from all angles, like terrorist sleeper cell that attacks people’s nerves and sanity. Sneaky bastards. And unfortunately for the rest of us, you bring your vulgar disregard for public well-being to the NYC public transportation system.
You also attack at all hours. This means that you lean on those poles at the most annoying and inopportune of moments. Rush hour? Consider it done. Late night/early morning bar return? Of course. You will firmly plant you ass, shoulder, side, or all of the above, on the balance lifeline of your fellow commuters. People are packed into the trains like the obese at an Old Country Buffet. And like those unfortunate souls, we struggle to stand. Especially during the stop/go delays and abrupt turns that are the hallmarks of NYC commute. These trains have hand holds for a reason, but that’s not good enough for you, you need a cradle. Then you have the gall to remain oblivious to other people suffering, unable to stand properly because they don’t have anything to hold onto.
Some people try to give you a massive hint by slipping their hands in to grab the pole, brushing your body in the process. Some politely ask you to move. But in most cases, your ego is too massive to care. So let me break this down for you. Working a pole is only permissible at certain places and times. Just to give two examples, it is okay if you’re at gym class or working at an establishments involving a lot of one dollar bills which help you “pay your way through college.” Bodying up during a ride is not the correct venue. The next time you decide to do it, think of all the trouble you’re causing your fellow commuters. If that still isn’t enough of a deterrent, I sincerely hope that someone will punch you in the face.